Goodbye, Hello!

Good-byes suck; to be melodramatic. But really—if you think about it—no matter how you put it, they’re never any fun. Through this year, I’ve had my share of good-byes to everywhere I’ve been and left. This was a year of good-byes. And, a year of hellos. I’m onto my next and last segment to my journey: home to California. Hello again sister, brother, doggies!

At the same time, good-bye mom and dad. Good-bye to the family life I had growing up. The parting this time was by far the most real, the most emotional.  My family, I love them. And no matter what I may ever say, home is where my heart is.

It’s been a long three and a half months and it has felt longer than any other quarter, partially because it literally was. For the most part, this rotation selection was for my parents. I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose it. But I did it out of love, for responsibility to them. My alternative irresponsible option would have been Hawaii. I chose between having the coldest months of winter in Maryland, or having a winter forgotten on the sunny beaches of Waikiki. My friends all thought I was cray.

But I chose what I chose, and I am glad I did it. In fact, I am quite proud of myself. It was a time I needed with my parents, to try to give back to them what they feel like they’ve lost over the years of us growing up and out. It was the only chance I really had now that we are living bi-coastally. I’ve missed them too, and I wanted to do this.

And so I did, and now I’m done. Leaving today was sad, though. A little bittersweet. I felt like I was leaving my parents’ nest again for the first time. I tried to fight the tears as much as I could, but they welled my eyes, and they surely welled them good! So, friend—you who called me out for being emotionally stunted, for being unable to cry—this one’s for you. Because you’re right. For a good year, I wouldn’t cry, and I wouldn’t feel any real attachment or emotion. Wouldn’t… Or, maybe I couldn’t.

But today, I did. For my parents. I love them both and am glad that I got to live with them again. It did us good for I have learned a thing or two about how to finally live with them, lovingly.

So, yes, today was another good-bye, but I am about to say hello again to my other life. Back to my other home in California where the other part of my family reside. I have but one more chapter in my journey left. Summer was the rotation of fun. Fall, the rotation of self. Winter, the rotation of work and family. This last one… it will be the rotation of balance—in school, career, life and love. So, well—hello! And, welcome! 

(RETRODATED: 3:2:13)

A Life of Constant Change

Being back home has been an unusual experience, and it has taken a lot of time to readjust. I haven’t been back in two years, where in those two years, a lot of things have changed. West coast living became my life—my sisters, my dogs, my friends, my lifestyle. Coming back to the east coast didn’t feel foreign to me. It felt separate to me.

The feeling of being foreign and separated are two completely different ideas, but seem to run together. And it has been hard to explain. I can navigate the roads, I can return to old routines, I can visit once regularly frequented spots. As a child, I remember that whenever I would return home after being away, things would look different—they would feel different. The lighting would look off, the space would look somehow changed, and it would feel like I had been away for much longer than I really had. I would comment on it to my parents and sisters asking if they ever felt the same. They would just smile at me and say no. 

The return this time didn’t stir that expected experience for me. The house, the neighborhood, the roads—they were all exactly as I remembered leaving them. The lighting was fine, the space the same. The magic in returning as in childhood didn’t happen this time. The return home didn’t feel new to me.

But I felt so far away from my life. Just less than 48 hours ago I was hanging out with my friends in L.A., doing what we do. Less than 24 hours ago I was still reeling in the fact of being back in California where there were thousands of people in any given area. The freeways were packed with cars—all with Californian license plates; this is something I remember noticing strongly when I first re-entered Californian territory—that, and there being a much denser population of freeway exits compared to where I just came from. It was a readjustment just to be back in California after having been in complete isolation at my last rotation. Re-assimilating back into civilization was fun for the week, and I was still trying to readjust myself.

Now that I’m back east, adjusting again is a given. I didn’t tell many of my friends that I would be back except a few; I hadn’t talked to a lot of them in a long time. There would be much to catch up on. But since being back, I have seen a few of them a few times, and it was great to see them all. Things were just as they were as when I was here; the conversation picked up as if I never left, nothing’s really changed. But I feel I’ve changed. Somehow. I feel separated from the life here. And instead of once feeling like an east coast transplant on the west coast, it now feels like the reverse.

(11:21:12)

Last Drive

I’m on my way to Farmington to meet Dr. H and his wife for dinner. The radio is on, the sun at a perfect slant and little Roodle by my side. This is the perfect moment to start reflecting. And I do.

This is the last weekend before I wrap up and head home, which means that this is the last time I’m making this drive—the once long now seems like a normal drive to town. I look around the road and I realize how much this place has been my home for the past three months. The flat lands, the beaming sun, the dirt. The open road that had once led me many places.

Being in my car again feels like a luxury. It always has every weekend I climb in and go for a drive. I have access to the radio stations, which to me, means a re-connection with the outside world. At home, I have just one: a fuzzy country station, no television access and limited internet usage.

Earlier today, I heard from the preceptor of my next rotation. His email was direct and to the point as he laid down the laws and his expectations of his interns. It was astounding how explicit he was. I haven’t been given such clear and austere expectations in a long time, and while a part of me feared my next rotation, I was also excited for what I see as the time to re-focus on my priorities. A little discipline is just what I needed. The email was like a kick in the rear, saying “Go, Dor. You’re ready for this.” I believe I am.

So as I’m driving, I’m thinking backwards in time, and I’m thinking forwards in time. This rotation has been great. The time here has taught me a lot about myself, both professionally and personally. It gave me ample time to live through something I needed to do, an experience I needed in my life. And I’m glad to be able to check it off my list.

Besides exploring new places every weekend, I accomplished a lot at home, too.

• I finished two books
• I did some arts and crafts, meaning I stitched the owl phone holder my lovely friends gave me as a joke parting gift
• I almost finished my beloved DVD series of The O.C. (I will complete before I leave)
• I managed to stay in pretty good shape despite the heavy southern cooked food here and no gym within 45 miles, thanks to a friend for giving me a copy of the Insanity workout videos
• I registered for Boards Part 3. …Another $625 in the hole <cringe>, and I started studying for Boards Part 2, diligently
• I restarted my blogging and scrapbooking habit
• I became obsessed with Instagram
• I learned to cook
• and at work, I finally saw and managed a uveitis case

I call that a success.

In the car, the familiar twists and turns in the road appear. I know where I am based on mileage traveled and by certain landmarks. I’m bopping along to all the new music on the radio—songs I’ve never heard before. Could it be that so much has changed since I left? New Maroon 5, new Jason Mraz, and new Enrique? And what is with the Gangnam song my sister and brother were telling me about. Some K-pop star made it to the U.S. market? How long have I been away from pop culture? Must have been a dream come true to my Korean music loving friends out there. You know who you are…

As of today, I have just about one more week here, and I’m glad to have it. It’ll be my final wind down. It’ll give me adequate time to say good bye—to the staff, to Dr. H, to my neighbor, Pat, with whom I’ve become surprisingly good friends. I ran into him this morning where I popped the news that I would be leaving soon. He was genuinely upset by it, and I was too to be honest. I’m a little sad that this moment in my life is ending, but I am, at the same time, quite relieved and equally excited for what’s to come next.

My sister reminded me that this was exactly what I had said at the end of my last rotation, too—sad that it’s over, but glad to move on. Perhaps it’s the mindset of knowing that there is an end point in each chapter that I am always ready by the time it comes. I believe it’s a good trait I’ve developed over the year, though. The Chinese saying goes, “you must be able to let things go just as you had picked them up.” I think that’s a part of growing up and learning the meaning of contentment, and I think I’m slowly getting there.

(10:28:12)